I’ve noticed an interesting phenomenon related to social media: People make assumptions about others based on their posts. Nothing surprising about that, and I am certainly not the first or only person to make this observation. After all, social media is a way to share with others in a public way. So, it makes sense that we look at what others are posting and make assumptions. And, this phenomenon has been widely studied.

Why am I writing about this, you might ask? One reason is that as a psychologist providing mental health services to college students, I frequently hear about how making assumptions about social media can be damaging. The main reason is because of a psychological concept called social comparison theory. This theory posits that people constantly evaluate themselves and others in areas such as success, attractiveness, wealth, and intelligence. They typically make these evaluations about themselves by looking at others and what they perceive about them. People see others’ photos (which are often altered) and feel less attractive than that person. Folks read others’ posts about going to exclusive events, buying homes, going on vacations, their kids winning awards, getting promotions, and feel inadequate in comparison. And studies show that the more one uses social media, the more likely they are to feel down about themselves.

It’s important to remember that while there is some truth to what you are reading or seeing (hopefully, unless all your social media friends are pathological liars), it’s a carefully chosen and curated truth. And, as noted earlier, it may be a heavily edited and beautified truth. Your friend may not have teeth that straight and white, skin that clear, a waistline that slim but just appears so due to the magic of phone filters and PhotoShop. And while it’s true that your friend probably did go on that tropical vacation or get that promotion, they also had days when they felt sad, lonely, inadequate … days when they fought with their partner, the kid had a tantrum, they couldn’t pay all the bills, they sat on the couch consuming a whole bag of potato chips and feeling crappy about their life. Most people are not posting about all the bad stuff.

Well, some people do post about the bad days, pet peeves, and struggles. And some do not. This brings me to the second reason I was thinking about social comparison theory and social media: Sometimes my social media friends make comments on my posts such as “Wow, you look like you’re doing great!” or “Glad to see how happy you are!!” I always have mixed feelings about comments such as these. On the one hand, I chose to post a photo of myself on a beautiful hike or at a gathering of smiling friends. I chose to highlight something interesting, fun, or happy that I did. So, why should anyone assume I’m not loving life? I guess the other side of the coin is that even though I often choose not to post about my struggles, I’ve had many, especially in the past few years, and it’s hard when others assume I haven’t.

So, when you’re scrolling the ‘Gram or looking at Facebook and starting to feel like your life sucks compared with your friends’ lives (or even worse, you’re comparing yourself to celebs and influencers), just remember that you’re only seeing part of the story. We all have our joys and struggles–even celebrities! It’s best to try to get away from comparing yourself to others, especially if you come up short. Unless it’s a way to help yourself grow and move forward, of course. A little comparison, with some honest and constructive self-reflection, can be helpful. But only to a point. Be kind to yourself! And consider cutting back on your social media time if it’s contributing to feeling down on yourself.

And remember that your friends are having good and bad days, too. They may be posting about all of it, or they may be choosing to only show the highlights. So, don’t assume. And be kind in the assumptions you make about your friends–you may not know about all the struggles that are going un-posted.